while we are on the subject of dreams...

I stopped watching the news a long time ago. It gave me nightmares. See, I can watch horror movies and not have a problem. You know why? Because horror movies are fake. I mean, "Scream"? Really? Rose McGowan, I judge you for trying to escape out through the cat door. Real effing smart. I understand you have not had a real meal in at least a decade; I still do not think even you could squeeze through that cat door. My fat ass cat can barely make it through his.

The news, however, is very real. It documents all that messed up shit that happens in our messed up world, and not being able to say "oh, it is not real" when I see some horrific event on the television or on the internet freaks me out to no end. Now don't get me wrong: I try to stay informed. Should I ever end up on Jeopardy or stopped on the street by one of Jay Leno's minions, grilling me about some current political or economical event, I do not want to appear to be an idiot.

Here in Germany, they have no problem showing all the graphic and horrific things that happen in this world. KTVB over in Boise? I am pretty sure they edit out all the blood and bodies and such because, well, in America, we try to coddle our citizens. But not over here. Oh no.

So last night, I was trying to fall asleep sans Ambien because I do not want to admit that I rely on a sleeping aide to help me sleep at night, and I had the news on to fall asleep to. I also (thought) I had a test today, so I was a tad bit stressed about that. When I finally did fall asleep, around 2:00 a.m., I launched into a series of horrific nightmares, mainly involving Russian terrorists and bombs and people running after me trying to kill me. I hate those dreams. I do not mind the dreams that are inherently scary for no reason, but I absolutely abhor the nightmares where someone is chasing me and trying to kill me. It reveals a lot more about my fucked up psyche than I think I am prepared to deal with. And though the scenery and sometimes the people change, the scenario is always the same. Someone is always trying to kill me, usually with guns, though sometimes they can be wielding machetes, or trying to drown me, or whatever. And the most random people from my past always show up, and usually end up dead. Sorry Britta, Estelle and Alison: you all died last night.

And here is the kicker: I always get shot, too. Sometimes I wake up before I "die," while other times I wake up just enough to change the circumstances so that I am not exactly "dead" but I am certainly not alive. I think I learned in psychology that that is called lucid dreaming. Last night, I got shot in the knee, and the guy who shot me (said Russian terrorist) starting rooting around in my knee looking for the bullet because it was a special bullet and he did not want to waste it on me. That is when I woke up at 5:00 a.m. sweating and crying with an unbelievable pain in my fucked up right knee.

Should I be seeing a shrink for this?? I mean, dear God. These dreams have become quite frequent, especially since moving to Germany. I am thinking I need to quit watching the news at night in order to "learn German." I think it is really messing with my head. I would also appreciate it if my instructors would cancel all tests from here on out: they are obviously affecting my ability to function as a normal human being.

Tonight I am going to watch "Love Actually" before I go to bed, instead of the news, and see if I have happy dreams with Hugh Grant and Colin Firth and Emma Thompson. I think that would be exponentially more beneficial to my fragile, fragile psyche than watching the riots in Egypt or more footage of the terrorist attack in Moscow. Plus, the mornings when I wake up after not sleeping, I tend to look like I got in a bar fight the night before with fucking bat-shit crazy Britney Spears. The shaved-head Britney, not the other one.

my dreams even mock me...

I woke up this morning around 7:30, which really bugged me because I did not have class today, and thus had the opportunity to sleep in (okay, I lie. I actually DID have class today, at 8:00, but lets be honest: waking up at 7:30 did not give me nearly enough time to get ready and out the door, so I might as well sleep the rest of the morning, yeah??) Anyway, I think me waking up at 7:30 was my subconscious telling me to quit being a lazy mother fucker, but normally I can shut that little voice in the back of my mind right the fuck up with an Ambien or Chamomile tea. Or both. I decided to go back to bed and sleep until noon. Noon is a good time to wake up, right?

The problem with waking up when the sun is coming up and trying to sleep through its bright, penetrating rays (what sun? There is no sun in this country! I mean the varying shades of gray that the sun illuminates) is that when I dream, my dreams are so realistic that I cannot differentiate between what is real and what is not. Last week when I fell asleep (er, passed out) on Estelle's couch, I woke up in a panic around 10 a.m., convinced that someone had shot a bullet through their window, trying to kill us. I scrambled up and checked the integrity of the window, making sure it had not been compromised by deadly weapons. It is not a good way to wake up. Thank God I didn't pee.

I digress. So I woke up this morning and drank some tea and went back to bed. I woke up, I think, around 10:30, but I had this dream that I was trying to speak German with some people at a restaurant, and they were making fun of the way I said "aber." And I kept insisting that I was not saying it any differently than them, but they just kept laughing. It was like being in my underwear in front of a large crowd of people. Okay, wait. I have done that. It wasn't so bad. Maybe this is more like being naked in front of a large group of people....wait...shit...Anyway, when I woke up, I could not figure out if this had actually happened, or if it was a construction of my overactive and self-conscious imagination. I am pretty sure, somewhere along the line, someone has made fun of something that I have said in German. Fuck, I would make fun of me if I heard me trying to speak German. I sound so terrible, there is no point in me even getting upset over it. I just have to laugh.

But the more I thought about this dream or memory or whatever, the more pissed off I got. What the fuck, dreams?? My subconscious is now making fun of me?? What would Freud say about all this? Probably that it has something to do with lack of sex or my preoccupation with my father or some shit like that (and just so we are all clear, I DO NOT dream about my father like that). Which then got me thinking even more: what if we are all subconsciously programmed to be self-destructive? I mean, I am a fairly confident person, most of the time. At least I would like to think I am. But what if deep down, I am hard-wired to be self-defeating and critical of everything I do?

Whoa. It was a little too much for me to handle this early in the morning. Why do I have to over think everything?? Two nights ago, I watched "Fear" with Marky Mark and Reese Witherspoon. Every time I watch that movie, I always find myself, at the end, analyzing the perceptions of female sexuality and what the movie is actually saying about female virginity, and then I stop myself mid-thought and think "what the fuck, Sarah?? It is a fucking Marky Mark movie! You are analyzing a Marky Mark movie! You are such a fucking tool."

But I decided, instead of letting my dreams, which may or may not be based on actual events, get me down, that I was going to actually study for my test tomorrow. And I have been studying for about an hour now, which I can safely say is the longest I have sat in one spot concentrating on one thing in, like, years. Pardon my ADHD. But I think an hour is my limit, hence the blog. And now I am going to shower.