Wow. I never thought this time would actually come--my last weekend in Germany. I think I have been mentally prepping for this for a long, long time, but it still seems like it is a dream. I cannot believe on Monday I will be getting on a plane and flying back to America. Where everything is in English, the weather is not bipolar, and I can drive miles without seeing a town.
I have been quite sad about this move, but also very excited. I have never felt so mixed about anything in my life. I remember thinking before I left Boise "if I like Germany, I am going to stay over there." It is amazing how things are easier said than done, however. Packing up and moving an ENTIRE life is much different than packing up and moving for one year. And while I would love to stay, I think the best move for me right now is to go home, get my life sorted out and then go from there. As many people have told me, Germany is not going anywhere. If I really feel a strong pull to come back here in a year, two years, 10 years, whatever, this place will always be here (pending any alien invasions or nuclear wars, I suppose).
Even though I keep telling myself this, though, I cannot help but feel I am making a huge mistake leaving right now. I think what has made me love Germany so much is this moment: the people I have met, the places I have been, the life I have over here right now. Coming back would not be the same. I know this. Going back to Moscow is not the same as it was when I was there; going back to Arcata is certainly not the same. And I fear that leaving and coming back later will just mean I have to start all over again. And I do not know if I want to do that. I wish I could just freeze time right now, go back home, get things together and pick back up where I left off.
But I guess that is the great thing about friendships: true friendships are the ones where you can just pick up where you left off. And I know that the friends that I have made here in Germany I will be in touch with, probably for the rest of my life. And that is a wonderful feeling. I never thought, in such a short period of time, I would meet some of my best friends, people who I trust with my entire heart and absolutely love. It could be the greatest feeling in the world having met so many amazing people. But I also know that this is the sort of relationship I have with my friends in Boise, and I have no doubt that as soon as I get home, it will be just like old times. Life is definitely funny that way.
But for now, until Sunday, when I will write my final blog from Deutschland!
Friday, August 12, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Berlin...
Tonight...what a whirl-wind night. So yes, I am a titch bit inebriated. What do you expect when you get a couple of youngins in a group combined with one sorority sister (holla K-Woody!) We went out and represented Idaho well.
Berlin...what to say about Berlin...this could be one of the greatest cities I have ever visited. I have been searching for signs left and right that this is where I am supposed to be. Not even that Germany is where I am supposed to be, but more a sign pointing me in the right direction in my clusterfuck of a life. And it finally happened. A chance meeting with a man named Preston proved to be the most enlightening experience of my time in Germany. He basically guided me on the path to becoming a German citizen, or at least to finding a job in Germany and living here on a semi-permanent basis.
I do not know what happened or when it happened, but I do not want to leave Germany. The thought literally scares me. I feel like I am finally in a place where I belong. Despite the language barrier, despite the cultural differences, I love Germany. I love this place, I love the asshole way people get by, I just love it. And I do not want to leave. I cannot imagine my life back in Boise. It seems like so long ago I just packed up and moved someplace where no one knew me, no one expected me to be someone I was not. And it was so...liberating. It was such an experience. I am sort of dreading going back to Boise and falling into the same monotonous routine I had. Where people who have known me my entire life are expecting me to be the same person, to act the same way. I do not know if I can do it.
I am so torn right now. I really wish I had come to Germany earlier in my life. I think, had I done this in my early 20s, I would have stayed here. There is no doubt in my mind. But if I go home, if I fall back into the routine that is so easy and so familiar to me, will I be able to just come back here in a year? Or will I have to start this whole transition process over again? Should I even be leaving here in 6 days?? What the fuck am I doing???
Okay, this is a lot for me to process right now. I feel like I cannot evaluate this predicament in my current state of mind. But I need to know what to do. Someone...PLEASE TELL ME!
Berlin...what to say about Berlin...this could be one of the greatest cities I have ever visited. I have been searching for signs left and right that this is where I am supposed to be. Not even that Germany is where I am supposed to be, but more a sign pointing me in the right direction in my clusterfuck of a life. And it finally happened. A chance meeting with a man named Preston proved to be the most enlightening experience of my time in Germany. He basically guided me on the path to becoming a German citizen, or at least to finding a job in Germany and living here on a semi-permanent basis.
I do not know what happened or when it happened, but I do not want to leave Germany. The thought literally scares me. I feel like I am finally in a place where I belong. Despite the language barrier, despite the cultural differences, I love Germany. I love this place, I love the asshole way people get by, I just love it. And I do not want to leave. I cannot imagine my life back in Boise. It seems like so long ago I just packed up and moved someplace where no one knew me, no one expected me to be someone I was not. And it was so...liberating. It was such an experience. I am sort of dreading going back to Boise and falling into the same monotonous routine I had. Where people who have known me my entire life are expecting me to be the same person, to act the same way. I do not know if I can do it.
I am so torn right now. I really wish I had come to Germany earlier in my life. I think, had I done this in my early 20s, I would have stayed here. There is no doubt in my mind. But if I go home, if I fall back into the routine that is so easy and so familiar to me, will I be able to just come back here in a year? Or will I have to start this whole transition process over again? Should I even be leaving here in 6 days?? What the fuck am I doing???
Okay, this is a lot for me to process right now. I feel like I cannot evaluate this predicament in my current state of mind. But I need to know what to do. Someone...PLEASE TELL ME!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Greetings from Amsterdam!
This is going to be a short blog as we are headed out in five minutes to go do more touristy things in the city--and believe it or not, by touristy things I am not referring to what you would normally think in Amsterdam, wink wink--but I believe we are going to a gin museum, the Van Gough museum, the Anne Frank house and potentially the Heineken museum. The city itself is absolutely beautiful, though life moves a little too fast for me here. There are so many people, SO MANY BIKERS, so many tourists. I like the big city, but I only like it for a short period of time. I could never live someplace like this--I think someplace like Boise or Saarbruecken is the perfect size, but it is fun to visit.
The past few days have been sort of a blur having people from Idaho here in Germany. It is very strange--I feel like my two worlds are colliding. I guess I am glad this is happening now to sort of ease me back into the transition of leaving this life behind and starting up my former back in Boise. The more I think about it, though, the more I feel like I should not be leaving Germany. I feel like this is where I should be and this is where I need to stay. I am not sure what is holding me back, but I hope I can get things figured out soon.
The past few days have been sort of a blur having people from Idaho here in Germany. It is very strange--I feel like my two worlds are colliding. I guess I am glad this is happening now to sort of ease me back into the transition of leaving this life behind and starting up my former back in Boise. The more I think about it, though, the more I feel like I should not be leaving Germany. I feel like this is where I should be and this is where I need to stay. I am not sure what is holding me back, but I hope I can get things figured out soon.
Monday, August 1, 2011
It finally happened...
I woke up this morning, face-down in a puddle of my own drool, rolled over, contemplated getting up to close the window because it was so cold in here and suddenly realized...
I had my first dream entirely in German.
And I understood it.
Subconscious: you rule!
I had my first dream entirely in German.
And I understood it.
Subconscious: you rule!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Reflections (Part II)
I was recently reading back through some of my old blogs, namely the few that I wrote right before I left for Germany, and I am amazed at how much has changed since those entries. There was one blog in particular that I wrote, and I am having trouble remembering the person that actually typed those words. Despite everything that has happened over here, the good, the bad, the happy memories and the memories I would rather forget, reading that blog made me realize that this experience was so completely necessary for me. You can read that blog entry here: Reflecting
I think we all sometimes get stuck in a repetitive rut, where we look around and think "this is what my life has come to...a series of endless tasks that seem to repeat every day, every week, every month, every year." This happened to me. Being someone who is not particularly fond of change, it is surprising to me that I get so restless so easily. Maybe, even though I loved where I worked, it was because I was stuck in a very monotonous job. Maybe it was because I was (and still am...?) getting my degree in a subject that I find completely boring and so not fitting for my personality. Who knows. I do know, though, that had I not changed something a year ago, I might have gone off the deep end. I was most certainly teetering toward that; moving to Germany was definitely the right choice at that particular junction of my life. I still have my feelings of self-doubt, but I think everyone does; however, if I am able to survive a year living abroad, experiencing new things, meeting new people, living in a different culture and I did NOT lose my shit, then I can do whatever I set my mind to (I just need to figure out what the hell I should be doing...I need direction!!!)
I think we all sometimes get stuck in a repetitive rut, where we look around and think "this is what my life has come to...a series of endless tasks that seem to repeat every day, every week, every month, every year." This happened to me. Being someone who is not particularly fond of change, it is surprising to me that I get so restless so easily. Maybe, even though I loved where I worked, it was because I was stuck in a very monotonous job. Maybe it was because I was (and still am...?) getting my degree in a subject that I find completely boring and so not fitting for my personality. Who knows. I do know, though, that had I not changed something a year ago, I might have gone off the deep end. I was most certainly teetering toward that; moving to Germany was definitely the right choice at that particular junction of my life. I still have my feelings of self-doubt, but I think everyone does; however, if I am able to survive a year living abroad, experiencing new things, meeting new people, living in a different culture and I did NOT lose my shit, then I can do whatever I set my mind to (I just need to figure out what the hell I should be doing...I need direction!!!)
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Dragging my Feet
Today is my last day in my dorm room. Despite the fact that my lease actually officially ends on Sunday, the Hausmeister has to come "inspect" my room to make sure I have not stolen anything or damaged anything, and he was very adamant about doing this on Friday and not giving me the weekend to get my things sorted out. Even though I am fairly certain he did not do this with my room BEFORE I moved in. Oh well.
For whatever reason, though, I am just so not motivated to pack my things. I think because packing my things signals that the end really is near. I have sort of been able to delude myself into thinking that I still have more time. But having to move out of the place I have lived for the past year is pretty much a clear indication that this experience is almost over.
I am very excited, though, to be able to spend my last couple of weeks with Carrie and Jan. If they are able to handle me living with them for that period of time, I will be convinced that we are all soul mates and they need to move to Idaho with me asap. I mean, Jan did offer some rather radical surgical operations to gain my affection...
Yesterday I also had coffee with Frau Schmitt who, it must be said, is undoubtedly one of the sweetest people I have met over here. I am so glad she was one of my teachers for an entire year, because I really did learn a lot from her. It made me incredibly sad, though, because I am pretty sure that was the last time I will see her. I held myself together fairly well, but of course, started crying as soon as I got home. And Denise is leaving on Friday as well, and I cried again last night. This whole "good-bye" thing is more exhausting than running half-marathons! I need to get a grip on my emotions.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am also so physically exhausted. I have not been able to sleep very well the past few nights, because I am one of those oh-so-fortunate people whose brain goes into overdrive mode when I am faced with impending separation or stress, and I continually wake up in the night panicking. I guess my body's way of dealing with stress is to deprive me of sleep until I go completely insane and lose my entire grip on reality. Makes sense. Thanks, body.
But the good news is, Kristin and my sister will be here in less than a week. I hope that traveling around for a bit will take my mind off things, because right now, the thought of no more movie nights with junk food, no more films in German, no more dinner-drink adventures with ACT friends is making me teary-eyed again. Oh, fuck, where the fuck are my fucking tissues??
For whatever reason, though, I am just so not motivated to pack my things. I think because packing my things signals that the end really is near. I have sort of been able to delude myself into thinking that I still have more time. But having to move out of the place I have lived for the past year is pretty much a clear indication that this experience is almost over.
I am very excited, though, to be able to spend my last couple of weeks with Carrie and Jan. If they are able to handle me living with them for that period of time, I will be convinced that we are all soul mates and they need to move to Idaho with me asap. I mean, Jan did offer some rather radical surgical operations to gain my affection...
Yesterday I also had coffee with Frau Schmitt who, it must be said, is undoubtedly one of the sweetest people I have met over here. I am so glad she was one of my teachers for an entire year, because I really did learn a lot from her. It made me incredibly sad, though, because I am pretty sure that was the last time I will see her. I held myself together fairly well, but of course, started crying as soon as I got home. And Denise is leaving on Friday as well, and I cried again last night. This whole "good-bye" thing is more exhausting than running half-marathons! I need to get a grip on my emotions.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am also so physically exhausted. I have not been able to sleep very well the past few nights, because I am one of those oh-so-fortunate people whose brain goes into overdrive mode when I am faced with impending separation or stress, and I continually wake up in the night panicking. I guess my body's way of dealing with stress is to deprive me of sleep until I go completely insane and lose my entire grip on reality. Makes sense. Thanks, body.
But the good news is, Kristin and my sister will be here in less than a week. I hope that traveling around for a bit will take my mind off things, because right now, the thought of no more movie nights with junk food, no more films in German, no more dinner-drink adventures with ACT friends is making me teary-eyed again. Oh, fuck, where the fuck are my fucking tissues??
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