Reflecting.

Yesterday I had one of those days. Not a bad day, not a good day. But a day where I contemplate everything that is happening. Friday came at the end of a very long and interesting week. A reflective week maybe? I don't know, that may be taking things too literally. I often get philosophical when bombarded with too much external stimuli. Maybe I'm mistaking that for getting all emo. Who knows.

Death and dying are not things I think about. I recognize the inevitability of death: we're all going to die. But I prefer to keep that tucked safely away in the recesses of my mind, sort of by my thoughts of whether or not Jesus is real and paying taxes. I've been fortunate enough that my life has not been saturated with death. In fact, quite contrary, I've only been personally affected by it twice that I can remember. At least that is how many funerals I have been to. But both those times were pivotal moments for me. Because it forced me to reexamine the way I was living my life and evaluate how happy I truly was. This is what happened to me yesterday, though it wasn't the result of anyone dying.

As most people know, I'm moving to Germany in four weeks. And I couldn't be more scared. I'm excited, obviously--who wouldn't want to move to Germany simply to learn German for an entire year? I feel like I'm going to school again for the first time--completely unaware of what is going to happen or what the year will bring, but excited at the prospect of having all these new adventures. But at the same time, I've become comfortable with my life here. I live in a nice house, have lots of fun stuff and have amazing friends. And at 26, I'm not sure if I have the energy or the patience to start all over again. Yesterday I was parking my car near the Boise Library and I sat there for a few minutes staring at the window thinking "I'm going to miss this."

A year is a long time. A lot can happen in 365 days. And a lot will happen here. And I will miss it all. I've always firmly believed that everything happens for a reason. Whenever I get sad or depressed or start to question just what the fuck I've done with my life, I remember that I am where I am because that is how my life is unfolding. The decisions I've made have put me here. And I try not to regret things because 1) you can't change the past, no matter how hard you try, and 2) why would you want to? I used to think about how much different (better?) my life would have been had I not gone to U of I. But then I realize if I hadn't gone to U of I, I wouldn't have moved to Florida my freshman year, I wouldn't have gone to Humboldt State my junior year, I wouldn't have gotten the job at the prosecutor's office or with Eberle or with my current firm and I wouldn't know all the amazing people that were put in my life as a result of me taking the easy road and just going to Idaho.

Still, I can't help but question this next move I'm making or if it is the right one. In this past week, several alternate possibilities for next year have presented themselves. While I realize that ultimately turning down the chance to go to Germany simply to go on these whims may not be the smartest thing, what if these whims lead me down the path that ultimately is my happiness? More aptly put--eventually I will find the path to happiness, but going to Germany may be a more indirect route getting there. How long am I willing to forgo that exalted state of pure happiness for life lessons?

But that's not what this is about. In a roundabout way, I know that life is short and you have to make the best of it and blah, blah, blah. Insert bullshit happiness rant here. If I were to die tomorrow, would I be happy with the choices I've made? And the answer is no. (Yes, I understand I wouldn't give a fuck because I would be dead, but let's talk hypothetically). Despite the fact that most of the time I come across as a hard-ass, I'm petrified of almost everything. I'm scared to be who I really am, I'm scared to move out of my comfort zone, I'm scared to start over, I'm scared to stand up for myself, and I'm scared of what other people will think. And that fucking pisses me off. I feel like all I do is fake things. I fake confidence and I fake looking like I have my shit together. I'm so concerned with what other people will think of the choices that I have made that I never listen to what I truly want. There. I said it. Now you all know. I'm full of shit. And what scares me most of all is leaving this world and having my entire life reduced to a collection of photos. I don't know if anyone else feels this way ever, and this may be an incredibly self aggrandizing statement, but I KNOW that I am meant to make a lasting impression on the world. I am meant for something great, something huge, and if I wasn't so fucking lazy, I might actually get there.

So maybe that's what Germany is. Maybe Germany is the first step. A chance for me to live and experience more of the world, to make me a better person and move me closer to what is ultimately my purpose here. I have to believe that. I have to believe that this is the right choice. I remember reading that life is just a series of moments. Each moment defines us. How we perceive those moments and react to those moments, no matter how small, changes us and the world around us. Me sitting here and typing this blog could have a domino effect half-way around the world. It makes it easier to appreciate every moment. To take advantage of everything life offers. To realize that ultimately, the decisions you make are yours and yours alone and you can't hide behind your inadequacies with material bullshit, alcohol, drugs, sex, whatever. Those things always have a way of rearing their ugly heads. Sometimes we all need to just take a deep breath and look at the entire construction of the world around us. Which is what I did.

One of my favorite quotes, from the suicide letter Virginia Woolf wrote to her husband before she killed herself, is "you cannot find peace by avoiding life." I try to remember this when I think things are too hard or I want to give up on everything. Because those moments in life, those breathtaking, spectacular moments, are what will bring us closer to our ultimate happiness.