Monday, January 31, 2011

Gingers are CREEPY...

Most people who know me fairly well know that I have a very low tolerance for children. I find them to be smelly, inquisitive to the point of annoying, relentless, restless, and needy. Now, I am not saying this holds true for all children; dare I say there have been kids I have met that I have actually liked, but they are so few and far between that it is safe to say that the majority of children just piss me off.

I find German children particularly abhorrent, mainly due to the way they stare unabashedly at anything and everyone. A while ago, I had a rather, we will use the word creepy, encounter with a scary looking German ginger child of about eight or nine. I can think of no worse combination: German AND a ginger. Gingers in and of themselves are socially awkward and weird; their bright red hair, light skin and lack of soul causes me severe angst and apprehension whenever I am within a five foot radius of them. Couple that with what I guess are considered German social norms, and it makes for one frightening clusterfuck of a human being.

I was sitting on the bus with my friend Brice, and Brice nudged me on the shoulder and said "that kid is giving you the stare-down." I looked over and gasped slightly as these blue eyes tried to pierce my soul, no doubt trying to steal it due to a lack of its own soul. This kid was literally staring at me so hard, I felt the hole burning through my skull. I looked away, but my gaze kept being drawn back to his, as though it was some sort of magnet. "What the fuck is this little bitch's problem" I asked Brice. You know, I thought, fuck this little kid. I proceeded to return the stare-down. And for two minutes, our eyes never left each others. The kid got off on the next stop, and I stared him down from inside the bus, and he proceeded to stare back at me. As the bus drove away, I pointed a menacing index finger at him and stuck my tongue out. Stupid little asshole.

After this incident, I became more cognizant of a certain fact: Germans stare at everyone. Everywhere. Today on the bus, this girl just kept staring at me for no reason. Every time I would look over, she would just be looking at me, like there was something hanging out of my nose. Now, I have been caught staring at people as well; normally this is because I have zoned out and am thinking about laying poolside naked with a mai thai and some Percocet, but as soon as the person I am staring at returns said stare, I look away. I think this is normal. No one wants to be caught staring at someone else. But the Germans? Oh no. They will just keep staring at you, even if you return the stare. It is the creepiest thing ever. Young people, old people, homeless people, students, prostitutes, whatever. It makes me wish I had some mace. I know one of these days, some fucker is going to be staring me down, and I will have had such a shitty day that I will stand up and scream "what the fuck are you looking at douche fucker?!" I just hope someone has a video camera.

This all came about because I had to go to the grocery store today, which I hate doing, mainly because I still have yet to figure out how to check out a cart. I think it is going to be one of those things I have to do when I am with other people. I think it is far worse to make an ass of yourself while you are alone. At least if you do something embarrassing when your friends are around, you can laugh about it. If you are alone, then you look like one of "those" people. Laughing at yourself is not an option; people just think you are either crazy or pathetic. So whenever I go grocery shopping alone, I either have to remember to bring a bag (oh, because they do not just GIVE you plastic bags to take your groceries home in, you have to pay for them) or I only buy a few items.

I then went to the bakery to pick up my bread. I am getting much better about understanding people, and by understanding I mean that if they just ask me the same questions each time, I am good to go. Occasionally, though, I get a person who has never helped me before, and she will shoot a bunch of random questions at me, and I just stare blankly and either say "langsam, bitte" or "Ich spreche nur Englisch." I went in today and some woman helped me who I had never seen before, and I politely said "ich hätte gern ein kleines schwarz Brot." She then launched into a series of questions and I was like "der...." Bakery girl (who I still have a small crush on, though not to the extent I did) came over from the other side of the store and told the woman I only spoke English, then went and got my bread for me (since, yeah, I get the same bread every single time). It is the little things in life, like someone recognizing that I suck at German and helping me not feel like an idiot, that makes my day. So Bakery girl, whose name I still do not know, thank you. You rock! Creepy girl who stared me down on the bus with the bad hair, fuck you. :)

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