while we are on the subject of dreams...

I stopped watching the news a long time ago. It gave me nightmares. See, I can watch horror movies and not have a problem. You know why? Because horror movies are fake. I mean, "Scream"? Really? Rose McGowan, I judge you for trying to escape out through the cat door. Real effing smart. I understand you have not had a real meal in at least a decade; I still do not think even you could squeeze through that cat door. My fat ass cat can barely make it through his.

The news, however, is very real. It documents all that messed up shit that happens in our messed up world, and not being able to say "oh, it is not real" when I see some horrific event on the television or on the internet freaks me out to no end. Now don't get me wrong: I try to stay informed. Should I ever end up on Jeopardy or stopped on the street by one of Jay Leno's minions, grilling me about some current political or economical event, I do not want to appear to be an idiot.

Here in Germany, they have no problem showing all the graphic and horrific things that happen in this world. KTVB over in Boise? I am pretty sure they edit out all the blood and bodies and such because, well, in America, we try to coddle our citizens. But not over here. Oh no.

So last night, I was trying to fall asleep sans Ambien because I do not want to admit that I rely on a sleeping aide to help me sleep at night, and I had the news on to fall asleep to. I also (thought) I had a test today, so I was a tad bit stressed about that. When I finally did fall asleep, around 2:00 a.m., I launched into a series of horrific nightmares, mainly involving Russian terrorists and bombs and people running after me trying to kill me. I hate those dreams. I do not mind the dreams that are inherently scary for no reason, but I absolutely abhor the nightmares where someone is chasing me and trying to kill me. It reveals a lot more about my fucked up psyche than I think I am prepared to deal with. And though the scenery and sometimes the people change, the scenario is always the same. Someone is always trying to kill me, usually with guns, though sometimes they can be wielding machetes, or trying to drown me, or whatever. And the most random people from my past always show up, and usually end up dead. Sorry Britta, Estelle and Alison: you all died last night.

And here is the kicker: I always get shot, too. Sometimes I wake up before I "die," while other times I wake up just enough to change the circumstances so that I am not exactly "dead" but I am certainly not alive. I think I learned in psychology that that is called lucid dreaming. Last night, I got shot in the knee, and the guy who shot me (said Russian terrorist) starting rooting around in my knee looking for the bullet because it was a special bullet and he did not want to waste it on me. That is when I woke up at 5:00 a.m. sweating and crying with an unbelievable pain in my fucked up right knee.

Should I be seeing a shrink for this?? I mean, dear God. These dreams have become quite frequent, especially since moving to Germany. I am thinking I need to quit watching the news at night in order to "learn German." I think it is really messing with my head. I would also appreciate it if my instructors would cancel all tests from here on out: they are obviously affecting my ability to function as a normal human being.

Tonight I am going to watch "Love Actually" before I go to bed, instead of the news, and see if I have happy dreams with Hugh Grant and Colin Firth and Emma Thompson. I think that would be exponentially more beneficial to my fragile, fragile psyche than watching the riots in Egypt or more footage of the terrorist attack in Moscow. Plus, the mornings when I wake up after not sleeping, I tend to look like I got in a bar fight the night before with fucking bat-shit crazy Britney Spears. The shaved-head Britney, not the other one.