Saturday, January 22, 2011

new years resolutions off to a good start....

New Years Resolution: blog more. Well, fuck.

It is not that I have not been doing interesting things...I just, gasp, forgot to blog. I keep going through these lethargic waves. I blame it on the weather. And this time of year. I am always a little unpredictable when the weather cant even make up its fucking mind. I go from having fantastic days to days where all I want to do is hole up in my room and watch movies and drink wine straight from the bottle and not talk to anyone. I truly do have the makings of a crazy cat lady. And you will all be able to say, we knew her when....

It was definitely strange coming back to Germany. And it has still been strange. Going home was good. Going home reminded me of why I am here. But coming back, I still find myself, on certain days, longing to have my old life back. I feel like I have been split into two different people: Sarah at home, who was semi-responsible and was always busy, and Sarah here in Germany, who drinks life a fish and is living a little too much like a college freshman. Remember the first time you got drunk on wine coolers? Yeah, neither do I, but I have a feeling I am experiencing something similar to that on a weekly basis.

I guess growing up in a town like Boise, people expect you to act a certain way. It really leaves no wiggle room for change. But here, no one really knew anything about me, so I could be myself, whatever that means. And it is a little scary. Imagine going to a new place and being able to, well, okay, not exactly reinvent yourself, but start over. What would you change? What would you do differently? Am I finally living the life I have wanted to lead, or am I just getting all this shit out of my system before I sell my soul to the dogs of corporate America? Who the fuck knows. It worries me a little bit that I am actually this person. That the responsible girl from Boise who had a job and a good education and blah, blah, blah was all just a facade, and I really I do not have a grasp on shit. Well fuck, fuck, fuck.

And truth be told, I really, really miss my friends in the states. I had a very lovely support system set up, and here, I really do not have that. I have my friends, and I love them dearly, but it is next to impossible to establish that sort of bond with someone in such a short period of time. It usually takes years to build something like that. I am fortunate to have such wonderful friends who are always there for me, even when I am 8000 miles away. But there are some nights where I really wish they were here, could take me for a walk in the woods, get me drunk and tell me everything is going to be all right. Skype just aint cutting it right now.

That being said, though, I am very lucky to have Estelle here in Germany, when everyone else is so far away. I think otherwise I probably would have stayed in Boise and not come back. I still cannot for the life of me figure out how the fuck we communicate with each other, but there is a lot that goes on between us that does not require words (thank God, because I am pretty sure both of us, the majority of the time, are thinking "Christ, what the fuck did she just say??"). But it took my inability to communicate with Estelle, my inability to use my words to attract someone, to realize that there are people in this world that you meet because fate has deemed it so. It was the same thing with all of my very close friends: it wasn't what was said between us, but a feeling. I am not talking about love, I don't think...But it is something you cannot explain. When you meet someone and FEEL in the very core of your being that, yes, this person will be in your life forever. I think these sorts of friendships are very rare. I guess I have just been lucky in life. But it makes me feel like I am doing something right: that I am following the path I am supposed to be taking. One thing different and who knows where I would be. I mean, who would have thought I would meet my German twin randomly at a mall?

But when push comes to shove, I have to believe that I am doing the right thing. Because on the days when I question the decisions I have made...those are the days I start to question everything about myself. And that is a dangerous road to go down.

In other news, I think I am beginning to like fußball more than American football. I feel like such a fucking traitor.

No comments:

Post a Comment