Flying High...on...Life?

Last night, at the ripe old age of 27, I made my theatrical debut, if you will, and managed to both not suck and not throw up on myself or my fellow actors on stage. Given the fact that I love attention and constantly have to be the center of it, it is surprising to me that it took me this long to discover theater--where everyone MUST be focused on me. I mean, they PAY to be focused on me. What a nice little ego trip! All that aside, though, I think I have never done theater simply because I could not eat, I could not sleep and I kept having nightmares where I could only remember my lines in German, which is completely improbable because I do not speak German, but the fear was there, nonetheless. I am not cut out for that kind of pressure!

The strange thing is (well, is it really that strange?) given all the pressure and nerves and the quick weight-loss scheme, last night was one of the best nights I have had in so long. One of the best nights that I can remember. And it was not just actually being in the play, but belonging to something so awesome as ACT (the English-speaking theater group on campus). As we all huddled around the stage before the show getting our lovely pep-talk (which consisted of more than "you had better not fuck up, ha!") I looked around and realized this was one of the first times in my life where I was surrounded by a group of people...and I liked every, single one of them! More than that, I respected every single one of them, and felt so honored to be let in this tight little circle (most of the people involved in ACT have been involved for several years). I felt like possibly, the little evil gremlin that resides inside me was shut up long enough for me to enjoy myself and the company of truly wonderful people. Dare I say, I even got emotional and may have teared up a little bit. I fucking hate having ovaries.

Well fuck this. Now I am super pissed. Go figure, I have two months left in Germany, and I finally, FINALLY start to really enjoy it here. I have been so excited to go home, and now, I really do not want to leave. I am not ready to leave behind the friends I have here (though friends, if you ever want to visit Idaho, you always have a place to stay! Seriously! Just give me a weeks notice). Why in the hell could I have not felt this way six months ago?? I think this is always the case--it takes so long to really warm up to a place and feel comfortable with your surroundings and with different people, and when you finally do, you have to leave. I guess the one positive thing is that I am going to leave Saarbrücken on a high note, and I could not ask for anything more. It really is crazy all the dramatic ups and downs living abroad has thrust upon me, but it has made me grow as a person, and I am excited (and scared shitless) to see how the changed me will influence my friends and family at home. Hopefully they have not all grown accustomed to grumpy mcgrumpants.

Oh, and if you are interested in coming to see our show (and if you are in Saarbrücken, you had better be!) we have performances again on campus July 11, 12, and 13th. I will be littering facebook with advertisements very soon.

In the meantime, photos!

"Enigma Variations"


After-show party!


Thanks, Achim, for the amazing group shot!

Late Night Thoughts

Unable to sleep, I find myself in front of the computer in my hostel in Garmisch contemplating many things. I realized, looking back on several blogs, that my overall impression of life in Germany has not been entirely positive. There are so many things from home that I miss more than I can possibly describe. The sense of familiarity, the overwhelming feeling of belonging someplace (which I have not found living in Saarbrücken)...a life that I had become comfortable living in Boise. Being so excited to go home, back to what I am so used to, I know there are so many things I am missing living in Germany. It is easy to tell myself that going home will fix this sense of loss in my heart, but truth be told, I think I am just making excuses for myself.

I sometimes forget, living in a place like Saarbrücken, which has never really felt like home to me, that Germany is an amazing place. Now do not get me wrong--I love Saarbrücken. I love living someplace different--experiencing a life that I would have otherwise not been able to experience had I stayed in Boise. Living abroad is something I recommend to everyone. My entire perspective on life has been altered. I am so appreciative of the person I have become living abroad for a year--I feel so much more rounded, so much more...cultured? Is that the right word? I am not sure. I know, despite all the absolutely crazy ups and downs, that I am a different person, a different person for the better. Which is exactly what I wanted to take away from this entire experience.

When our train first arrived into Garmisch, I felt this overwhelming sense of happiness. I cannot readily explain it, but it is the same feeling I experienced while living in Boise--when you know that you are in the right place at the right time. That all things in life are falling into place. As I have said before, I firmly believe that everything in life happens for a reason--that you meet people in your life for a reason...you end up where you are supposed to be. I do not attribute this to any sort of religious figure, per se, but fate has a way of intervening, and you have to be at least semi-aware of what is going on around you to see that things are supposed to fall into place.

Being in Germany, more specifically, being in Bavaria, gives me such an overwhelming sense of belonging, I cannot help but think that this place is where I am meant to be. The last time I was in Garmisch, back in August, I had one of the best times of my life. Not knowing anyone, traveling alone, unable to speak ANY German, I felt more at home here than I did in Boise. It was a feeling I lost trying to manaeuver my way around Saarbrücken. Coming back here, though, almost 10 months later, I have such a strong pull to be here, to stay here, and I really cannot ignore all the signs telling me that this is where I belong.

What if my life is not what I am making it to be? I mean, can anyone see me really living the life of a CPA, slaving away in an office for the rest of my life, doing taxes, balancing income statements and cash flow statements--only seeing daylight when the chaotic mess that is tax season ends? I have never seen myself as an accountant. I have never seen myself doing anything that does not make me happy. And while living in Boise would be easy for me, and would be happy for me, is it truly what I want? Am I so excited to go home because I miss the comforts of everything that I have become used to that I am ignoring all the signs that point to me staying in Germany, at least for a little while, and making the most of this amazing experience that I have been offered?

I am at a complete crossroad right now. I know that I am at least going to come back to Boise and graduate in Decemeber, but after that, I feel like I am up in the air as to where my path will lead. I love Germany so much--particularly this area that I am in. Being able to get by with a language barrier and a cultural barrier, and still being able to come out on top and feel somewhat positive about things--I cannot ignore this. It is such a difficult thing--do I give up everything I have back in Idaho: a house, a (potential) job, my ability to easily communicate, amazing friends, etc., and just pack up and move here? I feel like, right now, should the opportunity present itself, I would move here in a heartbeat. I would give up everything for the chance to start over here. And it scares me. I am so, so scared at that prospect, but if it is what feels right, can it be wrong? Can I ignore this doubt and just leap?

I hope so.