Late Night Thoughts

Unable to sleep, I find myself in front of the computer in my hostel in Garmisch contemplating many things. I realized, looking back on several blogs, that my overall impression of life in Germany has not been entirely positive. There are so many things from home that I miss more than I can possibly describe. The sense of familiarity, the overwhelming feeling of belonging someplace (which I have not found living in Saarbrücken)...a life that I had become comfortable living in Boise. Being so excited to go home, back to what I am so used to, I know there are so many things I am missing living in Germany. It is easy to tell myself that going home will fix this sense of loss in my heart, but truth be told, I think I am just making excuses for myself.

I sometimes forget, living in a place like Saarbrücken, which has never really felt like home to me, that Germany is an amazing place. Now do not get me wrong--I love Saarbrücken. I love living someplace different--experiencing a life that I would have otherwise not been able to experience had I stayed in Boise. Living abroad is something I recommend to everyone. My entire perspective on life has been altered. I am so appreciative of the person I have become living abroad for a year--I feel so much more rounded, so much more...cultured? Is that the right word? I am not sure. I know, despite all the absolutely crazy ups and downs, that I am a different person, a different person for the better. Which is exactly what I wanted to take away from this entire experience.

When our train first arrived into Garmisch, I felt this overwhelming sense of happiness. I cannot readily explain it, but it is the same feeling I experienced while living in Boise--when you know that you are in the right place at the right time. That all things in life are falling into place. As I have said before, I firmly believe that everything in life happens for a reason--that you meet people in your life for a reason...you end up where you are supposed to be. I do not attribute this to any sort of religious figure, per se, but fate has a way of intervening, and you have to be at least semi-aware of what is going on around you to see that things are supposed to fall into place.

Being in Germany, more specifically, being in Bavaria, gives me such an overwhelming sense of belonging, I cannot help but think that this place is where I am meant to be. The last time I was in Garmisch, back in August, I had one of the best times of my life. Not knowing anyone, traveling alone, unable to speak ANY German, I felt more at home here than I did in Boise. It was a feeling I lost trying to manaeuver my way around Saarbrücken. Coming back here, though, almost 10 months later, I have such a strong pull to be here, to stay here, and I really cannot ignore all the signs telling me that this is where I belong.

What if my life is not what I am making it to be? I mean, can anyone see me really living the life of a CPA, slaving away in an office for the rest of my life, doing taxes, balancing income statements and cash flow statements--only seeing daylight when the chaotic mess that is tax season ends? I have never seen myself as an accountant. I have never seen myself doing anything that does not make me happy. And while living in Boise would be easy for me, and would be happy for me, is it truly what I want? Am I so excited to go home because I miss the comforts of everything that I have become used to that I am ignoring all the signs that point to me staying in Germany, at least for a little while, and making the most of this amazing experience that I have been offered?

I am at a complete crossroad right now. I know that I am at least going to come back to Boise and graduate in Decemeber, but after that, I feel like I am up in the air as to where my path will lead. I love Germany so much--particularly this area that I am in. Being able to get by with a language barrier and a cultural barrier, and still being able to come out on top and feel somewhat positive about things--I cannot ignore this. It is such a difficult thing--do I give up everything I have back in Idaho: a house, a (potential) job, my ability to easily communicate, amazing friends, etc., and just pack up and move here? I feel like, right now, should the opportunity present itself, I would move here in a heartbeat. I would give up everything for the chance to start over here. And it scares me. I am so, so scared at that prospect, but if it is what feels right, can it be wrong? Can I ignore this doubt and just leap?

I hope so.