It can't be. It just can't. I mean, jet lag does not normally last for a month, yeah? But here I am, at 2:00 a.m. Friday morning, awake again. I do not think I have slept a full night since I got back here. What is that? Oh, I will tell you: super, super annoying.
I think this weird, fucked up sleep cycle is starting to mess with me, physically, emotionally, psychologically....? I saw an episode of "Law and Order: SVU" where this little girl pumped herself full of what I imagine was legalized kid speed (i.e. Riddlin or Adderol or something along those lines) and was awake for something like five days straight. She went insane and beat her friend to death with a pipe because her friend got better grades or was prettier or gave better head or something along those lines. I fear that I am teetering on the brink of that sort of sleep-deprived psychosis. Someone is going gently brush past me in a hurry somewhere, and I am going to unleash a fury like one of those overweight women on the Maury show who has discovered her boyfriend is sleeping with her 14-year-old daughter. Half my day I spend trying to stay awake, and the other half is spent wandering around in a complete haze. I walked yesterday from the sixth floor of our office to the eighth, sat down at my desk, and two minutes later had no recollection of how I got to my desk. I could not remember if I had walked up the stairs or taken the elevator. This can't be good...
Is this blog even making any sense? I cannot focus at all right now. I am very, very thirsty, but I think if I drink water, I am going to have to pee at 4 a.m.
I wonder if it is because, subconsciously my mind knows that at 2 in the morning here, it is 10 in Germany and people are actually awake. If that is the case, my mind needs to get back on American time, stat. My body certainly knows it is back in America. Ask my muffin top.
So yeah, sorry Vickie but there will be no run this morning. Just like there was no run yesterday morning. I might have to go see my doctor about getting some Lunesta or something to regulate my sleep cycle. This has gone on long enough. All I know is that I am not traveling internationally until this thing is fixed. I might do irreversible damage and turn into one of those people. I mean, hell, I already have the cats. The only thing I need is my hair in curlers, a bathrobe and a small child for me to scream at whilst chasing it down the street with a broom or baseball bat.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
Just a little Hiatus
I have found that it is quite difficult for me to actually find things to write about in this blog, now that I have delved face-first into boring adulthood again. Coming back from what I consider to be a year-long vacation has both its ups and downs: on the plus side, I am once again a contributing member of society, earning my keep, paying my bills and not leeching off the support of the government, my University or my parents. On the negative side I have become, well, boring. Maybe not boring...domestic. Again. It is amazing how easy it was just to slide right back into the old routine: work, school, run, eat, sleep, repeat. Every day. It might almost be depressing if it weren't the thing that makes me most comfortable. Whereas my life in Germany was full of a lot of unexpected surprises, some good, some bad, I have regulated my life here in Boise to the point where there really aren't any surprises. It is just my life.
The longing to be back in Germany has subsided slightly, though I still have moments throughout the day where I will see something or hear something that reminds me of Germany, and I get that horrible pull in my stomach to be back. Last night I watched a newer movie with Liam Neeson in it (don't ask me what it was called because I cannot remember...perhaps "Unknown"? That sounds right) and it was filmed almost entirely in Berlin. While watching it, I kept yelling out, "oh, there is the Brandenburger Tor, oh, there is the Reichstag" (thank God I was watching this movie alone, or I probably would have started to annoy whoever was with me). And I wanted to be back. I wanted to be back so much.
What is very strange to me is that the longer I am away from Germany, the more I miss people in ways I did not think I would miss them. Or I miss people for reasons that I did not expect. Whenever I get ready to go out someplace, I still have a habit of texting Carrie and Silke and Juli to invite them out, only to have that "oh fuck, they don't live here" moment right before I hit send. But I realized I really miss talking to my friends in Germany. I think it is because they know a different version of my life. Whereas most of my friends here in Boise have the advantage of knowing me for at least five years (some, like Alison, since I was seven), my friends in Germany had no preconceived notions about me. I feel like when I talk to Carrie or Silke about what is going on over here, they interpret it a lot differently than my friends here. I guess it is my pitiful attempt to combine my two worlds, though the more time that passes, the larger that 6,000 mile gap feels.
And it is amazing how much more difficult it is for me to learn German now that I am not completely surrounded by it. I do not have German television to watch anymore, no more German radio, no more "fuck, fuck, fuck, I have to talk to people in German" when I go out. Without that kind of added pressure, my motivational level has taken a head-first dive into la-la land. It really is amazing how much I absorbed into my little alcohol-riddled brain whilst living abroad. I guess this means I am going to have to double the 20% effort I put forth while actually living in Germany. Christ, I might actually have to *gulp* try...
On that note, if any of my German friends want to help me work on my German speaking via Skype, I cannot guarantee that I will last longer than five minutes, but I figure any amount of practice I can get in at this point can only help me, yeah? Right now the extent of my vocabulary includes various uses of the word "scheisse" and "Zauberpferd" which I do not even think is a real word, but who doesn't want to talk about magic horses?? Magical horses with blue hair.
On a completely unrelated note, I now firmly believe, after being home for a month, that there is some sort of conspiracy with our government and food manufacturers to make us all fat. I am not sure how it is at all possible that I only gained right around 6 pounds while I was in Germany (and that is for the entire year) and yet, coming back home, where I am actually running more than I was the past few months, I have put on almost 12 pounds. I will tell you why: it is because we seem to be totally fine with pumping our food full of high fructose corn syrup and sugar and preservatives and other things that will ultimately lead to me losing the battle with my muffin top. I have given up even trying to eat bread over here. I cannot pronounce half of the ingredients in packaged bread. GROSS.
The longing to be back in Germany has subsided slightly, though I still have moments throughout the day where I will see something or hear something that reminds me of Germany, and I get that horrible pull in my stomach to be back. Last night I watched a newer movie with Liam Neeson in it (don't ask me what it was called because I cannot remember...perhaps "Unknown"? That sounds right) and it was filmed almost entirely in Berlin. While watching it, I kept yelling out, "oh, there is the Brandenburger Tor, oh, there is the Reichstag" (thank God I was watching this movie alone, or I probably would have started to annoy whoever was with me). And I wanted to be back. I wanted to be back so much.
What is very strange to me is that the longer I am away from Germany, the more I miss people in ways I did not think I would miss them. Or I miss people for reasons that I did not expect. Whenever I get ready to go out someplace, I still have a habit of texting Carrie and Silke and Juli to invite them out, only to have that "oh fuck, they don't live here" moment right before I hit send. But I realized I really miss talking to my friends in Germany. I think it is because they know a different version of my life. Whereas most of my friends here in Boise have the advantage of knowing me for at least five years (some, like Alison, since I was seven), my friends in Germany had no preconceived notions about me. I feel like when I talk to Carrie or Silke about what is going on over here, they interpret it a lot differently than my friends here. I guess it is my pitiful attempt to combine my two worlds, though the more time that passes, the larger that 6,000 mile gap feels.
And it is amazing how much more difficult it is for me to learn German now that I am not completely surrounded by it. I do not have German television to watch anymore, no more German radio, no more "fuck, fuck, fuck, I have to talk to people in German" when I go out. Without that kind of added pressure, my motivational level has taken a head-first dive into la-la land. It really is amazing how much I absorbed into my little alcohol-riddled brain whilst living abroad. I guess this means I am going to have to double the 20% effort I put forth while actually living in Germany. Christ, I might actually have to *gulp* try...
On that note, if any of my German friends want to help me work on my German speaking via Skype, I cannot guarantee that I will last longer than five minutes, but I figure any amount of practice I can get in at this point can only help me, yeah? Right now the extent of my vocabulary includes various uses of the word "scheisse" and "Zauberpferd" which I do not even think is a real word, but who doesn't want to talk about magic horses?? Magical horses with blue hair.
On a completely unrelated note, I now firmly believe, after being home for a month, that there is some sort of conspiracy with our government and food manufacturers to make us all fat. I am not sure how it is at all possible that I only gained right around 6 pounds while I was in Germany (and that is for the entire year) and yet, coming back home, where I am actually running more than I was the past few months, I have put on almost 12 pounds. I will tell you why: it is because we seem to be totally fine with pumping our food full of high fructose corn syrup and sugar and preservatives and other things that will ultimately lead to me losing the battle with my muffin top. I have given up even trying to eat bread over here. I cannot pronounce half of the ingredients in packaged bread. GROSS.
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