Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Journal Entry

I do not know what has been going on lately, but I keep having blah days. I wake up in the morning and usually think everything is going to be fine, but by about mid-day, I lose all motivation to do anything productive, and then get mad at myself later for being so lazy. I cannot quite remember when this shift in my personality occurred; I used to be so put together, so organized, so...motivated. And somewhere along the line, I just stopped caring. Can you just lose your will to do anything? I sometimes wonder if this is depression, though I am not usually sad. Isnt that one of the symptoms? Arent you usually sad? I guess I am not sad, per se, but I just want to be left alone most of the time.

I thought I could move away from my problems. The small ones that were starting to build living in Boise. I thought going to a different place would change everything. Some things have changed, but not the things I wanted. I guess the old adage is true: you cannot run away from your problems. But realizing you cannot run away from your problems is a little disheartening. At what point do I stop blaming my circumstances and my surroundings and other people for my problems and when do I take responsibility?

Realizing today that this is my fault, that I have created this hole I now exist in sucks. I have the same problems I had in Boise, which is a clear indication that the issue exists not in where I am or who I know, but within myself. I have somehow convinced myself that I cannot amount to much of anything, and it is this sort of self-defeating bullshit that is going to slowly eat away at me if I do not change something. This is, of course, easier said than done. How do you change something that has become so fundamentally a part of you: being able to blame others for my shortcomings is much easier than having to deal with the painful reality of my self-made misery.

Maybe this is like a 12-step process. Maybe the first step is recognizing that I have a problem and admitting it. Because once it is out in the open, you cannot run away from it.

And I think right now, I am at a crossroads in my life. I had a feeling something major was going to happen this year. I could not put my finger on what it was, but I think this may be it. This is where I take the step in either direction: one way leading down the path I was originally intended for--the path where I quit making excuses for myself and buck up and start acting like a goddamned adult. Or I go down the other road, where I just accept my plot in life and be miserable. I know I alone have the power to change my life. It is a powerful, powerful feeling knowing that if you are not happy with something, you can change it. You have to change it. Why go through life thinking that what you have, however miserable it makes you, is all you are worth? I am going to say right here that I know I am worth more than I have slowly become. And I only hope that I can remember this when things get difficult or when I just want to give up and blame it on someone else.

I think this is something everyone goes through, especially when life does not turn out the way you had planned. Failure is a difficult pill to swallow, but I need to learn that all the mistakes in my life are there for a reason, if not to teach me to quit being such a fucking idiot sometimes. It reminds me of this quote I once heard: "we all start each day and promise ourselves that we are going to be better. The problem is in the execution." I need to quit saying I am going to do something and just fucking do it.

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