Tuesday, May 18, 2010

If I may be serious for a moment

I know one of the biggest issues I'm going to have with going to Germany is my horrible separation anxiety. I'm sure my inability to part with people is manifested in something much larger that I can't possibly comprehend, nor do I want to, but yeah, it pretty much sucks. I become a sobbing mess, sitting in my house alone drinking and watching shitty movies, and all because I can't stand to have people leave, or to leave other people. I have a habit of meeting truly extraordinary people when they are on their way out the door: last summer I met Des when she only had a weekend left in town. She had been here the entire summer, and granted, I was fortunate enough to at least meet her and get to hang out with her before she left, it sucked that she moved back to L.A. literally four days after we were randomly paired out in Hidden Springs. I'm so glad we still keep in touch, and I'm super, super excited to see her this weekend down in L.A. It is hard to find genuinely nice people in this world (especially people from southern California--sorry, it had to be said), but she could undoubtedly be one of the nicest people ever.

This whole blog is stemming from the fact that I'm sitting here crying because I have another friend moving back to Arizona tomorrow. Again, another random pairing put Nicole and I together (I had an extra ticket to the Ani concert, and since Dominique did not know who Ani was--really--and Nicole did and was even enthusiastic about the prospect of going to a concert only to be surrounded by lame-o hipster douches and big, butchy lesbians, I asked her if she wanted to go). I knew the second I met Nicole, just as I have with all my other best friends, that we were going to get along marvelously. I don't just click with anyone; people that have been my friend know that I have a very difficult personality. It's not that I'm mistrusting of anyone, but I've been burned by so many asshats that it's just not worth it for me to invest emotionally in something that is clearly doomed from the beginning. But as it turns out, Nicole is my giant twin (giant in the sense that she is six-feet tall--it's like standing next to a fucking tree). We have a ton in common, but we're different enough that it keeps things interesting. She's incredibly funny and smart and so much fun to hang out with (and very knowledgeable when it comes to shows that I will be addicted to). Not only that--she got along with all my friends (well, with the exception of one, hahahahahaha) and that is huge in my book. I have such an extensive range of different types of friends that anyone who gets along with ALL of them gains serious bonus points.

Here's the kicker--Nicole and I had pretty much been in close proximity for the entire semester. Her office was right by Dominique's, and I was in Dom's office every Monday, Wednesday and Friday attempting to pass 308. But we never talked because she was always hidden behind that stupid wall. So of course I don't befriend her until three weeks before she leaves Boise. LAME on my part.

I don't know if it is just in my nature to meet people, become attached and then have them move. I'm wondering if it is some sort of divine intervention. Maybe I'm a huge asshole when you know me for too long, and fate is just looking out for the interest of those that I befriend? I wouldn't be fucking surprised. Then again, I have managed to hold on to some truly amazing friends for extended periods of time. And I have a fairly accurate bullshit radar, so I can generally tell when people are full of shit and not worth my time. Because I do believe it's fate that the people that I meet are in my life. Everything has a purpose; the universe isn't this fucked up place with no order. Science, religion...most believe in a plan. There is a plan for everyone. I'm not saying this plan can't be manipulated, but you do what you can with what you are given: if you fuck around and make shitty choices, then that is the path your plan will take. But if you realize that everything in this world is an opportunity--every person you meet, every place you go, everything you see and do and dream is an opportunity, it makes life a little less scary. It's taken me a long time to realize that the choices I have made, even those that I regret, are choices that have shaped who I am today. One different choice in the past and the people I know and love wouldn't be in my life today. And I can't imagine my life without the amazing people that are in it.

This blog was more of a chance for me to not cry my fucking eyes out and work some things out, but I hope it provides insight for people. To those of you who have stuck by me through thick and thin, happy Sarah or massively depressed Sarah, mellow Sarah or feisty Sarah, I love you and want you to know that you hold a special place in my heart.

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