Tuesday, August 9, 2011


Tonight...what a whirl-wind night. So yes, I am a titch bit inebriated. What do you expect when you get a couple of youngins in a group combined with one sorority sister (holla K-Woody!) We went out and represented Idaho well.

Berlin...what to say about Berlin...this could be one of the greatest cities I have ever visited. I have been searching for signs left and right that this is where I am supposed to be. Not even that Germany is where I am supposed to be, but more a sign pointing me in the right direction in my clusterfuck of a life. And it finally happened. A chance meeting with a man named Preston proved to be the most enlightening experience of my time in Germany. He basically guided me on the path to becoming a German citizen, or at least to finding a job in Germany and living here on a semi-permanent basis.

I do not know what happened or when it happened, but I do not want to leave Germany. The thought literally scares me. I feel like I am finally in a place where I belong. Despite the language barrier, despite the cultural differences, I love Germany. I love this place, I love the asshole way people get by, I just love it. And I do not want to leave. I cannot imagine my life back in Boise. It seems like so long ago I just packed up and moved someplace where no one knew me, no one expected me to be someone I was not. And it was so...liberating. It was such an experience. I am sort of dreading going back to Boise and falling into the same monotonous routine I had. Where people who have known me my entire life are expecting me to be the same person, to act the same way. I do not know if I can do it.

I am so torn right now. I really wish I had come to Germany earlier in my life. I think, had I done this in my early 20s, I would have stayed here. There is no doubt in my mind. But if I go home, if I fall back into the routine that is so easy and so familiar to me, will I be able to just come back here in a year? Or will I have to start this whole transition process over again? Should I even be leaving here in 6 days?? What the fuck am I doing???

Okay, this is a lot for me to process right now. I feel like I cannot evaluate this predicament in my current state of mind. But I need to know what to do. Someone...PLEASE TELL ME!

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